Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Life is never dull

Tuesday, 15 March 2011
But sometimes I'd really like it to be.

I'm currently in a position I never, ever, thought I'd be in and it's giving me a total headache. I should say I'm fine, my life is fine, my husband is fine and my kids are fine.  What isn't fine is that a friend has embarked on an affair and has confided in me which has left me totally sideswiped and, in trying to be a mate, I've gotten deeper into things than I would ever want to be.

The problem is that I know both couples - couple A & B are good friends of ours and couple C & D are also friends and now B & C are having an affair of which A & D are totally unaware.  To make things worse their daughters are Lia's school friends.  I should point out that none of them know I have a blog let alone how to find it so I'm not going to cause any issues by writing this down.

B and I are good mates and I've known since we first got friendly that her marriage isn't great.  I also know that C had an affair not long before I met him and the general opinion is that his marriage isn't that fantastic either.  The pair of them were always pretty open about their attraction so in one way I'm not surprised the affair has started but I am surprised because they live 2 minutes apart, their kids are friends and they socialise together so I can't believe they'd actually do it.

I'm a pretty moral person and this has landed me in a situation where I feel really compromised.  I always thought that in this position I would tell the person being cheated on but now feel like I can't because it's my mate that's doing the cheating so my loyalty should be to her instead.  But should I still be loyal to her when she's having sex with another friends husband?  It's a circular argument and I'm certainly not expecting any of you to be able to give me a solution but it's starting to drive me nuts.

The problem is that once B confided in me that she had snogged C I became complicit in the affair.  I spent a lot of time talking to her and trying to get her to stop before it really got out of hand but the truth is I was never going to be successful and sure enough, a couple of weeks later, the consumation was done and dusted and everything was full on.  The problem for me is that because of my initial involvement she still felt like she could continue to confide in me and she absolutely did.

I did lay down some rules - I would never lie for her or be used as an alibi and he cannot know that I know because I don't want them to feel like they can behave like a couple in front of me.  I had thought that this would mean things are abstract enough that I could kid myself I wasn't really involved but that's just not the case.  Besides the rules got bent.  Last Friday she spent 20 mins on the phone to him whilst at my house and it was extremely uncomfortable for both me and DH.

So more rules got made.

No talking on the phone to him at all in my presence and there will be no invitations for both of them to be at my house at the same time ever again, with or without their spouses.

But the trouble is this doesn't feel enough for me - it's been 4 weeks and I'm so totally sick of it that I'm actually praying they'll get caught soon.

Now I know you're all probably shouting at the screen at this point telling me to tell her to stop talking about it, I don't want to be involved, but it's back to that loyalty to a friend issue.  She really doesn't have anyone else to talk to and, affair aside, she really needs support as she's considering leaving her husband.  The leaving her husband has been on the cards for some time but the affair has definitely speeded up the process.  How can I not be a shoulder for her when she's having a tough time?

As I said, I'm not looking to you to give me answers I'm just dumping stuff out of my brain in the hope that I'll feel better.  I have tried and tried and tried to talk sense into her but she's so loved up at the moment that she just won't listen.  They've already planned their happily ever after (them together with the kids) and they are like a pair of loved up teenagers.  She can't help talking about it and is extremely indiscreet about it all so I know it won't be long before the cat gets out of the bag.

I'm now also in the position of feeling crap for her husband as he's a nice enough guy and he has no clue she's thinking of leaving.  Because I understand her reasons for wanting out of the marriage (which I will not bore you with) I was happy to be a shoulder for her but now she's moved to a position where she actually appears to loathe him our chats always seem to include her slagging him off.  It's not a prolonged tirade about him or anything, it's throw away comments while we're talking about other things (eg 'yeah I'm off to the gym today as I need to burn off some energy because every time I look at A I want to punch him in the face).

And the pair of cheaters are also seriously out of order when it comes to their spouses.  Of course the very fact that they are cheating is bad enough but because the cheating pair are so desperate to see each other they have started arranging things for both families to do together!  Last Saturday she was in the park with both blokes for two hours of football and bike riding with the kids and yesterday cheating husband went round to A & B's house and spent the evening drinking beer with B!

I can just about cope with them fronting it out if they have to see the wife/husband that is being cheated on during the normal course of the day but the idea of popping round and spending the evening drinking beer with the bloke whose wife you have shagged in the very house the shagging took place just blows my mind!

Day by day they are losing my sympathy and my ability to bite my tongue and not give them my opinion on their actions is failing.  I keep telling myself they are adults and it is absolutely none of my business but if they are making it my business how do I protect my sanity?


Gillie said...

Yikes! First of all, my very great sympathies to you, it is a stinky position to be in, I agree. No advice from me, as you asked, as it is absolutely wrong as we know. I think your ground rules are excellent and maybe more will come to you. The main thing (and yes, a tiny bit of advice) is to protect you and your family from all of this, that, to me, seems your first and most important priority. Hugs to you all.

Erin said...

I would have no idea what advice to give, even if you'd asked. {{{hugs}}} There is nothing good about this situation, for any of you. I hope it resolves itself soon.

Heather said...

More "no advice" from me...what a terrible burden your friend placed on you! {{{more hugs}}}

I hope for your sake it will come out quickly...sounds like it is just a matter of time! As far as protecting your family, I think the rules are good...I personally would have said "I don't want to know any more about it," though I understand your feeling of needing to support your friend.

Mad about Craft said...

This is such hard situation. It is a no win situation too!

My thoughts are with you!


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